Western Men! I hope that this small writing helps you better understand what you are about to enter into by dating in Ukraine. First, I don’t want to write a letter that paints with wide brush strokes, there are plenty of wonderful women in Ukraine, and then not so wonderful. I am going to try and explain what you are up against and how to take active steps to be more successful and happy dating in Ukraine.
I will focus on Kiev, because this city attracts women from all over Ukraine, as it is the oldest and most developed city in Ukraine, and by far the greatest generator of employment for women. So in Kiev, you will find a sample of women from many different regions and cities from Ukraine, but Kiev, as a metropolitan city, has a way of changing these women.
First, I want you to understand that the first relationship that you should build is with the person who will assist you in your search, such as Luda. Luda will allow you to continue in your path, or she can guide you and assist you, but she will never fight with you. By taking the time to present to Luda who and what you are; usually in a quick presentation such as pictures or videos, or some sort of easy to use viewer; you help her better understand you and your preferences. Make sure that you clearly state what you want from your future woman, and then I suggest that you take one final critical step:
· Ask what Luda would suggest to achieve such a goal and whether your goals are realistic?
Realistic Expectations: (listed numerically for reference only)
1. You are being tested, and you should also test the women
2. Dates will occur, but marriage and/or a serious commitments is rare
3. All Ukrainian women are insanely jealous of other women
4. Ukrainian women live in the present, don’t believe your future, and only dream of a better life
5. Make it easier for the women to see who and what you are
1. You and your date are on the first date, and this is about civility and presentation. Dress well, be courteous and be prepared to balance speaking about yourself and inquiring from your date. Too many questions and she will feel like it is a job interview (which is sort of true, from a western perspective) and not enough questions to her communicates that you don’t really care. The women will let you talk about yourself the entire night, but behind her smile is her dislike of your rudeness. So try and ask basic questions where you have common ground and explain those philosophies together and watch the woman become so talkative you think she will hurt herself with her excessive hand gestures.
The second date is where the real testing occurs. Many women will test you to see how much they can get from you. They will be careful; it will start with their suggestion for the most expensive restaurants, as in their mind they are thinking, if this man is serious why shouldn’t he take me to the best restaurants.
As a western man you need to be prepared to set boundaries. The women here don’t respect weak men, but nor do they want a man who is too dominant, at least not on the second date. If you set boundaries make sure that you explain your position well and ask her input on the matter. While it may be cultural for men to have the last word, it is also cultural for that man to listen intently to the opinion of their woman; so listen!
OCEANS PLAZA – The Ukrainian Woman Proving Grounds!!!
For most women, the mall is their kryptonite! Having a date at a restaurant at Oceans Plaza can reveal a woman’s deeper faults.
I have had women take me from store to store hoping that I would buy them the most expensive present of their life. One woman demanded an iPhone from me, and another wanted a fur jacket. Needless to say, these types of women are immediately removed from my contact list. Another woman was even more complex. She arrived for dinner and then immediately asked if she could go to a shoe store and look at shoes. I waited for an hour at our table until she arrived without any shoes in hand. Even the waitress thought badly of my date. However, I just merely waited for our next scheduled date to test her with more vigor. As we were discussing our third date, this woman states, “I want to take you to the better restaurants in Kiev!”
I immediately realized that meant she was selecting the most expensive restaurants, which I confirmed from google, and then suggested a more modest venue. The response was pure Ukraine, as she explained that a man such as me, who is designing a large new home, should not be so cheap with his money. I just stated that we were not a good fit and that we should cancel the date. Mission accomplished! I won’t share the additional messages regarding her discontent for me, but I slept very well that night.
2. Dating is a process, and not an end result. You are likely to get a phone number by the end of the date, but then the real work begins. Will you respond, will you invite her to another date? How much time can you really spend together, and do both of you really want this relationship. Take your time. Be prepared to go home with some good memories, funny stories, some nice pictures, and a few phone numbers. Now you have to spend the next few months communicating and trying to learn about each other. Long distance relationships are difficult, but not impossible. But if you think you are going to visit Ukraine and return married or with a fiancé, you might want to adjust that to a more reasonable outcome.
3. No matter how calm a Ukrainian woman appears in person, she is insanely jealous of other women, even women that don’t actually exist, that woman only has to exist in the mind of this woman. None of these women want to be the next woman. Ukrainian women are hopeless romantics, who don’t have a romantic bone in their body. Be prepared to accept this paradox and hypocrisy, it is just how women are here. So I would avoid making any woman feel like she is next in line. Ukrainian men consider Ukrainian to be similar to buses, if you wait long enough another one will come along and take you somewhere. The number one complaint that women here have about men, is that they cheat! It is a very emotional point for them, so be careful. She is looking for a man who can discipline himself.
4. We all dream, even Ukrainian women dream; but the reality of Ukraine also breaks their optimism and most Ukrainian women are pessimists who sometimes have an optimistic thought that they soon forget. She lives in the present that is why she is distant and emotionally guarded. Disappointment is an old friend in Ukraine, and if you paint too beautiful a picture of your future together, she will not believe it. Don’t rush these women; explain to them that you are interested, but that you both need time to prove to each other before major investments into the relationship can be taken. She can accept that time is needed and it will feel more natural to her. That does not mean that you should avoid complimenting her, as this is a necessary action for women to feel attraction. The women here truly want to be needed and appreciated, but they have so much doubt that they need a man to help them see a future that most of them see as unattainable.
5. It has been said that it takes a person 3-5 times to remember even a basic idea for more than 15 minutes. So, you have a tough job of trying to present yourself to these women, and I would suggest that you bring a tablet that has a variety of pictures and videos that help you to explain who and what you are to these women.
Ukrainian men can be very cruel, emotionally distant, respectful, and lack any empathy. The more that you can reveal that you don’t have any of these characteristics the better your dates will go. I used an iPad where I created a folder that revealed my pets, the animals that I rescued, my family, my interactions with family and friends, and my career and how I live, and I just let the woman flip through and interact with me. They want to know that you are a kind man that will treat them well.
I know that this has been a long letter to western men, and when you read it you may say, “Yeah that is common sense!” – Good, then we agree – now use the common sense.
Ukrainian women are not better or worse than any other woman in the world, but the corrupt dating industry in Ukraine has made it more difficult to find a good woman in Ukraine. Someone like Luda can help you hone in a woman that is closer to your wants and needs.
After each date, Luda and I will converse about the date, the woman, my impressions, and how I feel about the compatibility with the woman. Luda trusts me so much that she will look at the dinner receipt and give me her opinion about the woman. On one date, she looked at the ticket and said, “David, this woman is no good for you, she chose this expensive restaurant, and this is too much money.”
She was right, because Luda began to see that I am still a simple person, who does not like a flashy lifestyle and that the woman that I want should be comfortable in more normal settings. This was her advice to me, and her advice to you will likely be different, because Luda is going to learn who and what you are, if you let her.
I have dated many women in Ukraine, at least 30 women from Kiev, and I only communicate with maybe two of them to this day. I know that I need a unique and rare woman, but that is why I value Luda’s opinion and assistance. She has helped me bridge many of the cultural differences that western men have no clue exist.
Dr. David Thompson (JD, DBA, LSSMBB, PM)